I will go.

Who's going to go?

Who's going to step up and not be silent?

Who's going to speak for the ones that have no voice?

Who's willing to go to the least of these?

Who's going to bring hope to those who have none?

Who's going to be willing to get dirty?

Who's willing to put their hands into the crap people are swimming in?

Who's willing to throw everything aside, just so one can get saved?

Who's willing to risk everything to make a difference?

I'm nothing special.

No one important.

Broken and messy.

Nothing, really.

But if you can use that, then use me.

My hands are yours.

______________________

To the desperate eyes and reaching hands

To the suffering and the lean

To the ones the world has cast aside

Where you want me I will be

I will go, I will go

I will go, Lord send me

To the world, To the lost

To the poor and hungry

Take everything I am

I'm clay within your hands

I will go, I will go, send me

Let me not be blind with privilege

Give me eyes to see the pain

Let the blessing You've poured out on me

Not be spent on me in vain

Let this life be used for change

I wanna live for you

Go where you lead me

I wanna follow you

-Starfield

Lessons on the Deach

Pick up a handful of sand.'
'Why?'
'Just do it.'
'Ok.'

'Now, count all the grains.'
'But Lord, I can't. There's too many for me to count.'
'You're right. There are alot but I've counted them all. I know now many grains of sand there are on this beach. I also know how many hairs are on your head. I've seen each tear you've cried and heard each insecurity that you have. Just as I've strategically placed every grain of sand on this beach, I've strategically placed things inside of you and have brought you to the spot you're in right now. Daughter, oh beautiful daughter! Nothing in your life has surprised me. I've known about every step you've taken since long before you were born. '

'Now I want you to pick up some pebbles.'
'Why?'
'Just do it.'
'Ok.'

'What do you notice about the pebbles?'
'They're all different?'
'You're right. Each of the pebbles are different. None of the pebbles in your hand or on the beach or even in the entire world is the same. Each and every pebble that has ever existed has been unique. I created them that way. In the same way, I created every single person that exists or has ever existed, different. I have created you different from everyone else for a specific reason. You are my creation. I know every single part of you. The victories. The failures. The talents. The gifts. Even the parts of you that you fight so hard to hide. Daughter, oh beautiful daughter! Do you not realize how much I love you exactly as you are? The things you fight against are nothing compared to what I can do! Everything that you're experiencing is to make you into a better YOU... not to make you into someone else. If you let me, I can show you, and help you, and refine you into the daughter you deserve to be.'

'Now, I want you to get up and walk around'
'Why?'
'Just do it?'
'Ok'

'What do you notice?'
'There are alot of ants!'
'That's right. These ants understand about my provision. They know that I will always provide for their needs. How much more do you think I care for your needs? Don't forget that I am the King of Kings and I hold everything in the palm of my hand. Yes, there are times that I make you wait... but I always meet your needs at the perfect time. You don't need to worry about anything. Just rest in me. Daughter, oh beautiful daughter! Take comfort in knowing that I will not leave you. I will always be with you. I'm all you need. I know that you don't always feel this way, but please believe it. I will never change and I will never let go of you. You are far too precious to me for me to let go of you.'

'Daughter, let me ignite that flame inside of you that you've been fighting to put out. Let me ignite it to burn brighter and hotter then you've ever thought possible. Let the flame give you warmth and comfort on the nights that you feel alone and cold. Let it shine so bright that, just like insects are drawn to light, people who are wounded and hurting will be be drawn to this light. It is only when that happens that you'll find your purpose. And that you will grow and bloom. It is only when you've let me ignite the consuming fire, that you'll be content.'






'Daughter, I love you.'

Silence & Short and Untitled

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive
But now I’m so full of dread
And almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father

But where did he go?

His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I’m trying
So hard
To steer his way

Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say:

“It’s all good kid
It’s nothing that you did,
And though it feels like I’m not here with you right now
Just be still
And silent
And listen for that sound..

Shhh..

Did you hear it?

Listen again.

Did you hear it?

That silent voice that just spoke nothing,
That is me,
I’m listening to your plea with open ears
Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes

Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around,
See the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It’s a constant process this is

Growing you into the person you are to become

But when you sense the setting of the sun
Know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth.
Sing songs of faith.
And lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear

But don’t worry about all that right now

Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence

When I am silent I am listening,

and
not
abandoning.
_____________________________________

They say that
"Sometimes you're further than the moon
and Sometimes closer than my skin."

I remember when you were closer than my skin.
Those were the evenings spent alone with you in bliss.
Those were the mornings you awoke me with a gentle kiss.

And these are the evenings I sit alone and wish and reminisce.
These are the mornings when I wake to an alarm clock after falling asleep
with the hurting thought

"Why have you forsaken me?"

At the end.

I am at my very end
Ive tried all that seems right
Im coming closer to the beginning
To the start of a new life
With outstretched arms I'm broken
Kneeled before You come change me
This is the sound of desperation
Of humbled hearts coming clean

I'm not sure where I'm at to be quite honest. I want to be more then I am now but have no idea how to get there. I know that there's more to it then the typical Christian answer of praying and reading my bible... but I don't know what it is. I'm so tired of people trying to force me to be something that I'm not. I can't deal with it anymore. I want to live a Christianity that allows for my brokenness and my uncertainty and my failures. I want to be part of a faith that gives out grace freely and holds nothing back. I'm not longer content with any of it. I'm trying to discover who I am, and I don't think people like it too much. I think that God is calling me to something WAY different then most people can comprehend. Heck, He's calling me to be something that I don't even comprehend. There HAS to be a reason I feel the way I feel.

I think it's funny how, as soon as you step outside of the Christian circle, people become so freaking concerned for you. Maybe what you see as failure is all part of a journey. I stand by my reaction that we're made following Christ much more difficult then it is. It's not fair anymore. My journey is going to be different then other peoples. And I know it's for a reason. I don't know the reason (I wish I did... but I don't), but the journey is just as important as the destination you know?

All that to say, I'm done living a lie. I'm at my end of it. I just want to be me. And I know in doing so people are going to judge me, be 'concerned' for me and try to 'bring me back'... but that's ok. Cause I know the person I am right now, is EXACTLY who I'm meant to be. Messed up and all... hopefully you can deal. If not, then oh well.

Peace out!

Outside of the box

I was living in a small mind

With no lifeline
And no messages can reach me from the outside
When I looked out over the horizon
Didn't notice the sun was setting or just rising

Then it hit me

Maybe bit me
Then I knew, quite a few would not go with me
I didn't know exactly where I would be going
But I had to let this river in me flowing

What a ride
When you open your eyes
For the very first time
A real surprise

I started living outside of the box
Crossing over lines where I always used to stop
Living outside of the box
'Cause I'm not gonna be anybody that I'm not
I always knew this day would come
When I got off my back, found some motivation
I've been living on the other side
Come hell or high water every moment I'm alive

I was living on a fault line
The fault was all mine
And this unstable ground found me down half the time
But I had enough
I had to get up
I had to shrug it all off 'cause it's the same old stuff

Then it hit me
You won't permit me
To be an individual
Just doesn't fit me
But I decided that it's going to be living
Yeah, I decided I'm escaping from your prison

What a high
When you open your mind for the very first time
A real surprise

I started living outside of the box
Crossing over lines where I always used to stop
Living outside of the box
'Cause I'm not gonna be anybody that I'm not
I always knew this day would come
When I got off my back, found some motivation
I've been living on the other side
Come hell or high water every moment I'm alive

So long conformity
And ambiguality is a new priority
All it takes, for heaven sakes
Is to figure out the face and learn to separate

I started living outside for the box
Taking my time when I always used to rush
Living outside of the box
Cause I'm not gonna be anybody that I'm not
I always knew this day would come
When I broke down the walls for my liberation
I've been living on the other side
Come hell or high water every moment I'm alive

Oh, living outside of the box
Oh, living outside of the box
Oh, living outside

Oh, living outside of the box
Of the box, of your life
Of everything that seems that nice
-Katy Perry

Spark...

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours. - Lucas Scott

Silence...

There are few moments in my life where I've been speechless.
And I think that's sometimes half my problem.
I never know how to be silent.

To sit and just be.

To enjoy the comfort my Savior can bring.

To just be silent.

'Be still and know that I am God.'

But who is my God...
He's my Provider.
My Shield.
My Shelter.
My Lover.
My everything.

I need to learn to be still and let Him just love me. Flaws, fears, failure and all.
I need to let Him love me for me. The real me. Not the one that the world sees. But the one who's raw and open before her Creator.
I need to let him validate me. Allow Him to show me my worth despite my failure.












Silence... Brings restoration.