At the end.

I am at my very end
Ive tried all that seems right
Im coming closer to the beginning
To the start of a new life
With outstretched arms I'm broken
Kneeled before You come change me
This is the sound of desperation
Of humbled hearts coming clean

I'm not sure where I'm at to be quite honest. I want to be more then I am now but have no idea how to get there. I know that there's more to it then the typical Christian answer of praying and reading my bible... but I don't know what it is. I'm so tired of people trying to force me to be something that I'm not. I can't deal with it anymore. I want to live a Christianity that allows for my brokenness and my uncertainty and my failures. I want to be part of a faith that gives out grace freely and holds nothing back. I'm not longer content with any of it. I'm trying to discover who I am, and I don't think people like it too much. I think that God is calling me to something WAY different then most people can comprehend. Heck, He's calling me to be something that I don't even comprehend. There HAS to be a reason I feel the way I feel.

I think it's funny how, as soon as you step outside of the Christian circle, people become so freaking concerned for you. Maybe what you see as failure is all part of a journey. I stand by my reaction that we're made following Christ much more difficult then it is. It's not fair anymore. My journey is going to be different then other peoples. And I know it's for a reason. I don't know the reason (I wish I did... but I don't), but the journey is just as important as the destination you know?

All that to say, I'm done living a lie. I'm at my end of it. I just want to be me. And I know in doing so people are going to judge me, be 'concerned' for me and try to 'bring me back'... but that's ok. Cause I know the person I am right now, is EXACTLY who I'm meant to be. Messed up and all... hopefully you can deal. If not, then oh well.

Peace out!