At the end.

I am at my very end
Ive tried all that seems right
Im coming closer to the beginning
To the start of a new life
With outstretched arms I'm broken
Kneeled before You come change me
This is the sound of desperation
Of humbled hearts coming clean

I'm not sure where I'm at to be quite honest. I want to be more then I am now but have no idea how to get there. I know that there's more to it then the typical Christian answer of praying and reading my bible... but I don't know what it is. I'm so tired of people trying to force me to be something that I'm not. I can't deal with it anymore. I want to live a Christianity that allows for my brokenness and my uncertainty and my failures. I want to be part of a faith that gives out grace freely and holds nothing back. I'm not longer content with any of it. I'm trying to discover who I am, and I don't think people like it too much. I think that God is calling me to something WAY different then most people can comprehend. Heck, He's calling me to be something that I don't even comprehend. There HAS to be a reason I feel the way I feel.

I think it's funny how, as soon as you step outside of the Christian circle, people become so freaking concerned for you. Maybe what you see as failure is all part of a journey. I stand by my reaction that we're made following Christ much more difficult then it is. It's not fair anymore. My journey is going to be different then other peoples. And I know it's for a reason. I don't know the reason (I wish I did... but I don't), but the journey is just as important as the destination you know?

All that to say, I'm done living a lie. I'm at my end of it. I just want to be me. And I know in doing so people are going to judge me, be 'concerned' for me and try to 'bring me back'... but that's ok. Cause I know the person I am right now, is EXACTLY who I'm meant to be. Messed up and all... hopefully you can deal. If not, then oh well.

Peace out!

Outside of the box

I was living in a small mind

With no lifeline
And no messages can reach me from the outside
When I looked out over the horizon
Didn't notice the sun was setting or just rising

Then it hit me

Maybe bit me
Then I knew, quite a few would not go with me
I didn't know exactly where I would be going
But I had to let this river in me flowing

What a ride
When you open your eyes
For the very first time
A real surprise

I started living outside of the box
Crossing over lines where I always used to stop
Living outside of the box
'Cause I'm not gonna be anybody that I'm not
I always knew this day would come
When I got off my back, found some motivation
I've been living on the other side
Come hell or high water every moment I'm alive

I was living on a fault line
The fault was all mine
And this unstable ground found me down half the time
But I had enough
I had to get up
I had to shrug it all off 'cause it's the same old stuff

Then it hit me
You won't permit me
To be an individual
Just doesn't fit me
But I decided that it's going to be living
Yeah, I decided I'm escaping from your prison

What a high
When you open your mind for the very first time
A real surprise

I started living outside of the box
Crossing over lines where I always used to stop
Living outside of the box
'Cause I'm not gonna be anybody that I'm not
I always knew this day would come
When I got off my back, found some motivation
I've been living on the other side
Come hell or high water every moment I'm alive

So long conformity
And ambiguality is a new priority
All it takes, for heaven sakes
Is to figure out the face and learn to separate

I started living outside for the box
Taking my time when I always used to rush
Living outside of the box
Cause I'm not gonna be anybody that I'm not
I always knew this day would come
When I broke down the walls for my liberation
I've been living on the other side
Come hell or high water every moment I'm alive

Oh, living outside of the box
Oh, living outside of the box
Oh, living outside

Oh, living outside of the box
Of the box, of your life
Of everything that seems that nice
-Katy Perry

Spark...

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours. - Lucas Scott

Silence...

There are few moments in my life where I've been speechless.
And I think that's sometimes half my problem.
I never know how to be silent.

To sit and just be.

To enjoy the comfort my Savior can bring.

To just be silent.

'Be still and know that I am God.'

But who is my God...
He's my Provider.
My Shield.
My Shelter.
My Lover.
My everything.

I need to learn to be still and let Him just love me. Flaws, fears, failure and all.
I need to let Him love me for me. The real me. Not the one that the world sees. But the one who's raw and open before her Creator.
I need to let him validate me. Allow Him to show me my worth despite my failure.












Silence... Brings restoration.

Sometimes finding yourself can be boring...

The name of this blog is true.

In an effort to 'find myself', I've stepped back from leadership at my church for the time being. This means that my social life has taken a major blow. For the past 2 years, I've had the same schedule every week...

Sunday= Junior high / church / young adults
Monday = small group
Wednesday = Junior High
Friday = High school

Plus school. Plus work. I had a tight tight schedule. And, before this past August, I had a crappy living situation, so I made it important to be out every single night.

Now... It's pretty much empty. Like... WIDE OPEN! I mean, sure there are things that I enjoy doing, but they don't really fill up the calender. Let's also add, that I'm not in school and I just started my job yesterday and I love where I'm living so I have no need to go out all the time... and you have for a very bored little girl.

My friends are in school. They have jobs. They also are in leadership (for the most part). Or they live far away. I have alot of time by myself. To creep Facebook. To read books. To think. To blog. I sit at home most nights. And it's cool for the most part.

But I'm mostly bored out of my mind.

Save me? Maybe?

To be honest, as I'm sitting here complaining, I kinda have this little voice inside of me telling me to shut up. (God's very blunt with me) This season in my life, is supposta be about me finding myself and reconnecting. One of the ways that I should be doing this is.. um, oh wait let's see... spending time with God? Maybe? mhm.. mhm! So... note to self : instead of complaining, facebooking, and doing nothing, spend time with God. Just being with him. Just being silent.

I freaking love it when God tells me to shut up.

Peace out homes.

Sitting with the teachers...

In case you hadn't noticed, this blog is about my journey towards finding out who I am, and who I'm meant to be and the things that I am learning along the way... To help me along this journey, I've been reading through the stories of Jesus's life (aka : the Gospels) in order to try and rekindle my 'first love'.

The Boy Jesus in the Temple - Luke 2: 41-47

Now his parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. And when he was twelve years old, they went up according to custom. And when the feast was ended, as they were returning, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents did not know it, but supposing him to be in the group they went a day’s journey, but then they began to search for him among their relatives and acquaintances, and when they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem, searching for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers.

Now, I'm just going to put it out there... I'm not the most spiritual person by typical christian standards. By that, I mean that I'm not one going to be the one coughing up all the christian terminology and christian sayings and quoting Scripture left, right & center. I'm not really into that. If you are, then that's cool, but I'd rather my life be an expression of my love for Christ. So, as much as I've heard this story countless times before, something kinda stuck out to me that I haven't seen before (read bold). Like, when was the last time I sat at the feet of teachers and really absorbed what they said. I mean, I'd like to think that I'm someone who's able to be taught, but I don't think I've ever just sat with people wiser then me and learned from them. And even if I had, I doubt I would have ever asked questions.

Yet, Jesus does it. He's thirsty to know more. He left His parents in order to be amongst the teachers. He drops everything just to learn from them... wow. I can't even imagine that. Maybe I'm just too stubborn or proud or independent, but that's a big step for me.

There are people in my life that I believe are really wise. And that I can learn alot from. I know that they're in my life for a reason and yet I ignore that part. So dumb. Because before I know it, they'll be gone. And I'll have missed out on yet another opportunity to grow.

I have this one mentor that for the majority of our relationship, I fought with tooth and nail with. We argued so much. Part of that was the nature of our relationship, part of that was me being too freaking stubborn to let people speak into my life. And now, he's not in my life as much anymore and I'm kicking myself for not learning more off him. I never just sat and listened. I always had to be right... Granted, I still learned alot of things but I know that there was so much more, if I had just been available for it. And now it's too late.

I never want to do that again... I want to take advantage of all the relationships I have. I want to learn from people who's wisdom is much greater then mine. As I'm re-discovering who I am, I learning that I can't do it on my own... as much as I want to, I can't. It's not the way it's intended to be.

Personal challenges for this week :
1 ) Sit and learn.
2 ) Listen more in services... and take notes. No doodling. No facebook. No texting. (ok, maybe just a little bit of this one.)

If I call and ask you for coffee in the near future, this is why.

Peace homies.

Smirf haters... beware.

I haven't been able to sleep the past few days. I think it's due to a mixture of things.

1) I have nothing to do the next day... so sleep is always a good option.
2) My brain just doesn't shut up... EVER.
3) I need to learn how to 'Chill yo'.

If you know me, you know that I'm the type of person who worries about every little thing. I over-analyze everything & wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm artistic and as one of my best friends so delicately put it the other day, I'm over dramatic. This combination of personality traits has lead to the current state of things, also known as 'sleep deprivation'. For normal people, this could easily be cured with a healthy dose of well... sleep. But Brigitte is anything by normal. My best thoughts and inspiration comes to me when I'm lacking sleep, always has & probably always will. So I'm taking advantage of it.

I've had a lot of time to think the past few weeks. Really just a time to try and reconnect with myself. The past year has been CRAZY for me, to say the least. It has had it's shares of ups and downs; highs and lows. While this is nor the time or the place for going over all of those... let's just say it's been a ride for sure. I'm at a point right now where I need to 'find myself' & find who I'm meant to be. And it's been good so far. I've been getting back into my art again. Something that I haven't done in 2 years, and especially not the past year. Before last week, I hadn't picked up a paint brush in over a year. It was such a thrill to be reconnected with it. To feel like it's an extension of my arm, flowing onto a canvas. I cannot begin to explain the thrill.

In essence, I'm trying to re-discover my passions. The things that were put inside of me for a purpose. While I am nowhere close to discovering them all, or even to see how they are intricately knitted together... I'm beginning to realize that I don't need to see the 'big picture' to know where my heart & God are leading me.

Tonight at the young adults group that I attend, we discussed some stuff that hit a little to close to home for comfort. As I'm on this journey of discovery, I'm learning that I'm not into religious rules. I'm just really not. As someone who's a follower of Christ, I've committed to do just that. Follow Christ. Follow where He leads me. Follow His example. I do it not just because it's the 'in' thing to do. But because I believe that the way that He shows us, is good and is right. As I read through & study the accounts of His life, I'm more and more convinced that He's teaching us to love. & to be authentic about it.

Tonight, people who had grown up in the church were asked to described the weirdest thing that they were told not to do because 'it's not what good Christians do'. Some of the examples were wierd.

'I wasn't allowed to listen 'non-christian' musi
'I wasn't allowed to dance.'
'I wasn't allowed to watch Sesame Street'
'I wasn't allowed to watch the Smurfs'

Really now? The smurfs? As someone who didn't grow up in the church, when I hear some of those things I don't know what to think. While I understand (now especially), that we must flee the appearance of evil, how do some of 'our' rules make sense? Are we not just setting ourselves up for failure? We're creating an image of what a 'christian' should look like, that no one can possible fit into. If Jesus said that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light, then why is it so stinking hard to be a Christian in the church today? I don't think that the form of Christianity that we've been feeding people, is always what Jesus was talking about. Sure, Jesus himself said that it would be full of struggles and persecution, but come on people... why are you all hating on the smurfs? (I bet it's probably cause they're short... even though short people are super fly)

I don't think that's where our 'battle' lays. I think... no. I correct myself. I know that there a bigger 'fish to fry'.

What about the millions of orphans around the world, who have noone to love them? The babies that have no one to show them that there is a God who wants nothing more then to have them feel His love.

What about the ladies who are out there selling their bodies? And what about the ones who are giving their bodies away to men just so that they can feel some sort of love? Who's going to show these girls that there is a God who sees them and wants to treat them as a princess. Someone who should be cherished and loved and protected.

What about that person who sits in our pews that feels all alone? Who feels like there isn't anyone who can understand the pain that they are going through. Who drowns themselves in substances because the hurt is too unbearable. Who doesn't feel like they are worthy of anyone's love, yet alone the God of the universe.

How can we be caring for these people, when we're worried about our own little rules that we use to keep us 'safe' from the world?How can we show them that there is hope when all we're doing in judging them? How can we point them towards a God who offers wholeness and peace, when all we're going is causing them more pain? The answer is that we can't. We cannot show people genuine, authentic love when we're too caught up being Smurf haters.

I have been so challenged lately to live my live in a way that inspires change in others. Not one that tells them what to change so that they can fit into a mold of what I think a Christian should look like.I want to be a person who ALWAYS shows someone love. In the middle of my own hurt, I want to show people an unexplainable love.

Because my God loved me with this same love. A love that died for me even thought I turned my back on Him numerous times.

Do I screw up sometimes? Yep. You betcha. Why? Because I'm human and if I didn't screw up then I wouldn't need God's grace.
Is there room for improvement? Yep. You betcha. Why? Because I'm growing and learning and finding my way through my own crap.

One of the guys at young adults said something that caught my attention. He said that he just needed to be him... that we just needed to be ourselves.

So that summed it up for me. I just need to be me. Raw, flawed, authentic, genuine me. Not some mocked up creation of what Brigitte should be. But 100% pure Brigitte. If I really am someone that has been changed by the God of love, then that should be just pouring out of me.

Don't be hatin'!